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here's mine.
a man gets fired for missing work, he missed work to go to divorce court where he lost his wife, his house, his car and his kids. down on his luck he takes is last $5 and walks into a bar and orders a drink. upon sipping on his drink and thinking about where he went wrong in his life he notices a massive jar of money behind the bar. he asks the bartender what's that jar for. the bartender tells him that's our dare jar. anyone who completes the 3 dares gets the $. the man asks how much is in there and the bartender says about $15,000. the man says i need this $ more then anyone. i just lost my house my job my kids and my wife but I'd be an idiot to try these dares without knowing what they are first. the bartender says fair enough and starts telling him the dares. the first dare u have to chug down this bottle of hot sauce and not make a face. it is the hottest hot sauce in the world and if u can drink it down without making a face u move on to the 2nd dare. the man says growing up my family cooked the hottest foods ever i can take spice like no other thats easy what's the 2nd dare? the bartender says in the back we have a bull with a bad tooth. this tooth needs to be pulled but the bull is to wild and no dentist can come near it. if u can pull that tooth u complete the 2nd dare and move on to the 3rd dare. the man says i grew up on a farm and am amazing with animals noone is better with animals then me that will be easy what's the 3rd dare. the bartender says upstairs there lives an old lady. she's 88 years old and she's never had an orgasm, if u can give her an orgasm u complete the 3rd dare and u get the $15,000. the man says this must be my lucky day i am amazing with women. u should have seen me in my collage days thats the easiest one yet. bartender i accept the challenge. the bartender grabs him the bottle of hot sauce and the man chugs it down. his face was beet red u can tell he was in pain but the man never made a face and completed the 1st dare .the bartender was amazed as no-one had ever completed the 1st dare before. he takes the man to the door of the bull with the bad tooth and the man enters and the bartender closes the door. he's not in there 2 seconds when all of a sudden u hear BANG, CRASH BOOM. this goes on for over an hour. the bartender starts feeling bad like maybe the man is dead. but just then the man come out of the room a bloody mess. his clothes are ripped his bleeding from every where he's missing teeth and he's breathing heavy. but while breathing heavily he says to the bartender "i did it, i did it , it was tough that's for sure but I did it, now where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan, they open the casket and find the woman is actually alive.
The woman lives for 10 more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, " Watch out for the wall !! "
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A cop pulls a guy over for speeding, he explains to the guy that it is the end of his shift and he really doesn't want to give the guy a ticket so he says to the speeder if he can come up with a good excuse, one I have not heard before, he would be willing to let him off with just a warning. The guy says to the cop "a year ago my wife ran off with a cop, I thought you were that cop and you were trying to give her back to me"...........he got off with a warning.
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I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!
I've sent this to most of my older friends as the younger ones probably have never seen a Falcon and wouldn't recognize it.
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an old man on a mo-ped stops at a red light beside a big biker on the biggest most beautiful bike the old man has ever scene. the old man leans over in amazement to look at the bike closer and says to the biker "my that's a really nice bike you got there, i'll bet it can really go fast" The biker then smiled at the old man and thought he'd give the old man a show. the light turned green and the biker TOOK OFF. in 3 seconds he was doing 200Kph but then the biker notices a dot in his mirror and its getting bigger and bigger. something is catching up to him fast. the biker can't believe it but can't make out what it is. as it gets closer and closer he notices that it's the old man on his mo-ped. but not only did the man on the mo-ped catch up to him but he passed the biker until he was just a dot again in the distance. but then once again the dot was getting bigger and bigger. the old man was now on his way back and wizzed past the biker. the biker absolutely cannot believe his eyes. the old man is once again a faint dot in the bikers mirror but the dot is actually getting bigger again. the old man was actually catching up to the biker again. but this time instead of passing him he SLAMS into the back of the biker and mangles him self and his mo-ped. there are pieces of his mo-ped every where and the old man is on the ground in agony. the biker feels really bad for him and asks the old man "please if there is anything I can do to help you just let me know anything at all" the old man lying in pain says "yes as a matter of fact there is" the biker says "name it" the old man looks at the biker in pain and says "can you please unhook my suspenders from your bike"
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A doctor makes a routine phone call to one of his elderly patients, and he said, " how are you feeling, Mr. Schwartz?"
He says, " I feel fine, Doc, but you know, it's the strange thing. Every night when I get up to pee, and I open up the bathroom door, the light goes on for me automatically. "
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting a little senile, so he calls the guy's son, and the son's wife answers. He says, " Mrs Schwarz, I'm a little concerned about your father- in-law. It seems that when he gets up in the middle of the night to urinate, and opens the bathroom door, he claims the light goes on automatically, and I........."
She yells, " Ernie ! Pop p###### in the refrigerator again !!"
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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
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QUOTE (Cardinal 4 @ Apr 11, 2015 - 12:56 pm)
A Newfie guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and ask him what he has. The guy replied, " it's chicken wire and I going to catch some chickens." His neighbor said ," you fool, you can't catch chicken with chicken wire."
Later that night he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.
The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks him what he up to. The guy says he going to catch ducks with duct tape.
The neighbor says ," You fool , you can't catch duck with duct tape."
Sure enough, later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
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Steve goes into a small restaurant in the countryside and order a hamburger and a hot dog.
A few minutes later, the waitress put a plate in front of him with a open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out from under her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
Steve says," what the hell was that all about?"
The waitress says," I was just keeping it warm for you."
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