The joke thread, Add your favorite joke here

.............and in the news form the business world, the smartphone is now in first place as a hand-held device for young men nudging out the penis from its long(and fondly) held #1 spot.

What about "old men"???

SDC

An easy explanation, Ralph. A lot of those old wankers don't have cell phones!!

PRICELESS""

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

There are two lesbians famous for building a house recently with not one nail in it.
..........It's all tongue and groove.

PERSPECTIVE:
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican Village.
An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long", answrd the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. ..
The American asked, But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my kids, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, sign a few songs. I have a full life.

The American interrupted, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You can start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.

And after that?" asked the Mexican.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead if selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open up your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new entrprise".

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years, replied the American.

And ! after that?"

Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your kids, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."....

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

when you gotta go

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
" Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Today, my wife said to me, "Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!”

"Well, as you all know, at my age, I and most of my friends are retired and do have the time to address such "Honeydos"….
So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.

One is a sheet metal worker.
One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.

Took us about 6 hours, and 15-20 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.

As usual, the wife is still not happy!!

Can't understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.

Yeah, it is kinda nice and there's something similar in Brussels, Belgium.

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