The joke thread, Add your favorite joke here

Good one Ralph I'm not the pope but would love that opportunity ..

Lol Well someone had to do it!

This is a true story... this is not a joke. (I just felt I had to share.) I went to a walk-in clinic doctor to see if he could do anything for my migraine headaches. He said he would refer me to a specialist. The following week I got a call from a urology clinic saying my appointment was on Wednesday at 2:30 and telling me to arrive with a full bladder. Go figure.

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

are you sure the true joke isn't that you're still with the same doctor after all that?

are you sure the true joke isn't that you're still with the same doctor after all that?

He was going to change docs but then he said---ah, p### on it!!

i just peed my pants

HELP NEEDED!! ASAP
A friend of mine purchased tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl, air fare, hotel accommodations included.... when he bought the tickets he didn't realize it was the same day as his wedding..... Soooo he can't go.
If anyone is interested in taking his place, it will be at St. Peters Church in New York, it starts at 5 pm. Her name is Donna, she'll be the one in the white dress.
Thanks.

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go
to Sudbury , Ontario ."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.

Truly Inspirational


This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today...


Dear Broken Hill High School,

God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe. The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fxxx off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

"Finally...The FIRST Olympic Games BLONDE Joke Has Arrived!"

Way to go tuna!
N.G.

Welcome back tuna

Here's one back at you........

A Blonde, a Redhead and Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying
flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

hahahaha some good ones there.

heres one from SD which may or may not be based on a true story



This guy brings his best fishing buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of fishing on Lake Simcoe.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed, listening to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f-----g mess, and the dishes aren't done.

I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my "f"ing pajamas? I can't be bothered cooking tonight!
Why the "f" did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a--hole?"

"Because he is thinking of getting married"...

A CHINESE MAN WALKS INTO A BAR IN AMERICA LATE ONE NIGHT AND HE SAW STEVEN SPIELBERG. AS HE WAS A GREAT FAN OF HIS MOVIES, HE RUSHES OVER TO HIM, AND ASKS FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH. INSTEAD, SPIELBERG GIVES HIM A SLAP AND SAYS, "YOU CHINESE PEOPLE BOMBED OUR PEARL HARBOR, GET OUT OF HERE”. THE ASTONISHED CHINESE MAN REPLIED, "IT WAS NOT THE CHINESE WHO BOMBED YOUR PEARL HARBOR, IT WAS THE JAPANESE". "CHINESE, JAPANESE, TAIWANESE, YOU'RE ALL THE SAME," REPLIED SPIELBERG. IN RETURN, THE CHINESE GIVES SPIELBERG A SLAP AND SAYS, "YOU SANK THE TITANIC; MY FOREFATHERS WERE ON THAT SHIP”. SHOCKED, SPIELBERG REPLIES, "IT WAS THE ICEBERG THAT SANK THE SHIP, NOT ME". THE CHINESE MAN REPLIES, "ICEBERG, SPIELBERG, CARLSBERG, YOU'RE ALL THE SAME